"The inspiration for my protagonist"

    Prologue: As I said before, I want to construct a character, who would be traditional, reserved, someone that very much related to me. Though I think that analysing myself is the best option to explain my character, it just feels too personal to me 

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. Therefore, I would discuss the characters that inspire me in creating mine so that I may somehow be able to give a more in-depth look at her. 

Connell - Normal People

    I have read the book written by Sally Rooney and then watched the television series adaptation of it. Normal People tells the years-long love story between two young people Marianne Sheridan and Connell Waldron. Connell is one of the few characters I relate to. I get the motive behind his acts, the rationale for the thoughts he has. To tell the truth, I think it's not difficult to find a modern-day "Connell" among young people.

            ❝ Walking around trying on a hundred different versions of myself❞ 

 -Connell-

    Connell is the figure for "millennial uncertainty".  He struggles with the crisis of anxiety and self-consciousness. Connell has the desire to fit in and be accepted by the "normal" class. This is the factor that contributes to many of his acts, one of those is hiding the fact that he and Marianne are having a relationship, as he knows his friends despite her.
    One thing we surely know about Connell is that even in his popular time at high school, he always feels like an outcast. The reason for that must be his choice of never being himself. As Connell chooses the way of pretending to serve others, when he has his own ideas, we don't usually see him express them either. In fact, he finds it difficult to speak it out. The combination of loneliness and lack of opinion encourages him to go along with the crowd, as shown by the act of slightly smirking when his friend makes some cruel jokes (even when he disagrees with that kind of behaviour). 

   Connell is also one who has an inferiority complex with self-worth. When in front of Marianne, he is often awakened to that hidden self within him. Then, he feels fear, shame and dilemma because of his "strangeness". He doesn't accept him, he tries to deny it, exporting it. He suppressed his true feelings and fulfilled them with what he interpreted as "should be" expected of him. Therefore, he invites Rachel to prom (instead of Marianne), sleeps with other girls though he didn't enjoy it, and throws himself into a relationship with Helen. The dissatisfaction as the result of doing unwilling things pushes Connell to the point of self-hatred, pulling him even further away from who he truly is.

My sister

    Connell has many problems that he needs to deal with, and in the process, he hurts himself and others, such as Marianne. Connell's traumatic experience was owing to his sensitivity to how other people perceive him, so unlike him, individualistic boldness would be something that exists in my character. Here I would take my twin sister as a short example of what I meant by 'individualistic boldness'.

    First, my sister and I are introverts. We share the same problem in struggling to make new friends, finding it hard to start a conversation, and often ending up making it awkward. This kind of social activity takes typically a long time for us, or can be said, long to me, and very long to her. But she's a little bit different to me, even if I don't want to, I force myself to adapt to the environment, she doesn't. She doesn't want to be softened for social acceptance, she held high standards for the people that she chooses to interact with or else she just prefers to be alone. 'I think I'm a little looked down on others' she said to me. Unlike me, she doesn't feel the need of blending in and...she doesn't care what others think. In seventh grade, she is the only girl in the school's history that joins the football competition, which was never officially claimed 'for boys' but everyone understands it is for boys. The head teacher even asked her if she was sure about it (our head teacher is open-minded, yet with the natural physical difference between boys and girls, and football is a competitive sport- which often leads to aggressive behaviours in the players, her concern is understandable.). She's still become our class's football team keeper anyway. 

     

🏹 I think how Connel chooses to respond and act to the people around him is so relatable to young people nowadays. The 'Just go with the crowd' thing is a common attitude in our generation, and I never truly understand 'why they choose to do so?' until seeing his mental journey.

🏹 I guess many people will see both Connel and my sister in themself. Social media and the internet have somehow made people more self-conscious than ever yet as living in the new age, we have the chance to embrace our uniqueness and individuality. 

🏹 I take the view that flawed characters are much more affecting and realistic than those ideal perfect ones.) So both Connell and my sister can seem like odd representations of young people, yet I know lots of people would feel related to them, their thoughts and their inner mental world. After all, I don't want a character that's saturated in the fictional world of already-portrayed teenagers, as I said before, I want a diverse representation, a representation that would be emotionally closed to my target audience - the young people.